people and mourning concept – woman with white lily flowers and coffin at funeral in church
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As I listened to the ominous sounds over the phone, coming from the ICU room where my father lay dying, I really believed that this was the hardest part. I’d been preparing my mind and heart for this day for months. We had first found out that my father had esophageal cancer just nine months ago. It had been a whirlwind of chemotherapy sessions, hospital admissions, doctor visits, and heartache ever since. We knew the inevitable was about to be on us. We knew that his cancer was about to win and take him away, our loving father and grandfather.

We knew he was dying. We were preparing to lay his cancer-ridden body to rest for the last time.

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I wasn’t close when the nurse told me that he was gone over the phone. I was almost 2,000 miles away when she called. But I breathed a small sigh of relief that my father wasn’t in pain anymore. He was finally at peace.

I told myself with confidence that the worst was finally over.

However, my journey into grief was just at the beginning. This time has been a lot of things- painful, heartbreaking, and even wonderful. The stages come and go.

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What you may not realize is that my father passed away more than five years ago. But not one day goes by that I don’t think about him, that I don’t grieve for him, that he isn’t on my mind. I often catch myself thinking about something I want to share with him, like a professional success or my daughter getting a good grade, and I realize that I can’t.

No, I’m not over my grief. I can never be over my grief.

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I’m very grateful for that.

Some people like to call grief a “process” or say that there are “stages.” But I disagree. Those two words imply that there is an ending to grief, which is simply not true.

You don’t just say, “Yes! I’m done missing my dad today.”

It doesn’t work that way.